I'm Not Sleeping
by Kuroi Inanis
Summary: When your heart is broken, sometimes the person you least expect will be there to pick up the pieces... RBB
1. Part 01

**I'm Not Sleeping**

By Sahra

Teen Titans copyright 2003 DC Comics

Song lyrics/song "I'm Not Sleeping" copyright 1995 Counting Crows

Original story idea/story copyright 2004 Sahra

Merry Christmas to all, but a special Christmas wish to Soraoathkepeer from your Secret Santa. Enjoy!

Notes: Part One takes place before Terra's arrival. Part two takes place directly afterwards. So please do not take "Spellbound" into account.

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Part 01 – Beast Boy POV

I heard her footsteps long before the others were even aware that she had left her room. When you have ears as freakishly big as mine, you can often hear things that others can't.

Like this one time, we were all sitting together at the table, and Cyborg let out this really quiet fart that only I could hear. When it started to stink up the room, he tried to blame it on one of the others, but I knew who did it! When I pointed it out to him, he turned really red and hid in his room for the rest of the night! Man you should have seen it! But I'm getting off the subject, aren't I? Now, where was I…

Oh yeah.

Raven.

So anyway, my ears perked up the moment I heard her door slide open. I glanced at the others, knowing that there was no way they had heard her; she could be in the same room and would go completely unnoticed until she spoke.

Unnoticed except for me; I always notice when Raven is around. There's something about her that just makes me want to stare at her. Now don't get me wrong! It's not that she isn't pretty; far from it in fact. I know there's more to it than that, because Starfire is pretty too and I don't like to stare at her nearly as much as I do Raven.

Here I go again, getting off track… so Raven was coming down the hallway, and it took all my strength not to move my attention from the videogame I was playing with Cyborg to ask her where she was going. I knew she was going out somewhere because it was a Saturday night, and her and that Goth kid ALWAYS go out on a Saturday night. It's always the same; she'll come out of her room with one of her nasty books, tell all of us that she's 'leaving for her usual café, and to not wait up for her return' or something like that. Then Robin will make sure she has her communicator, Starfire will tell her to have fun, Cyborg will nod, and I'll try not to tell her how much I hate her boyfriend (if you could call him that); and then she'll leave.

And until she comes home, until I hear her footsteps in the main room and I find an excuse to cover up coming downstairs to make sure she's okay, I won't sleep.

And some nights, even when she's at home and nowhere near HIM, I still won't sleep.

Tonight proves to be the same as every other Saturday night since she met Goth; her entrance, Robin's question, Starfire's cheery goodbye, and Cy's silent nod as he proceeds to kick my butt at "Super Ninja Monkeys 4".

Except for this time, I find the courage to speak up to her.

"Raven!"

She stops and turns to look at me, that usual expression of annoyance on her face. My newfound courage suddenly disappears and I look the floor, then back at her as I speak again.

"Um… er… have fun…"

LAME! LAME LAME LAME! Why can't I just tell her what I feel? Why can't I go up to her and say, "Hey Raven, I hate your boyfriend and for some reason I can't stop staring at you so will you take a ride with me on my moped?"

Well, that's what I'd say if I had a moped, anyway…

She stares at me for a few moments, and as she speaks something in her eyes… changes. They soften as she replies, and her cheek twitches as if she holds something back at the last moment.

"I will, thank you. Please do not bother waiting up for me."

And with that, she's gone. I watch her receding back and sigh, then turn back to the TV.

"Another round?" I ask Cyborg, begging silently that he won't start teasing me about my 'obvious crush on Raven'. He seems to be feeling merciful tonight, because he simply nods and turns back to the game as well.

"You're on!"

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A few hours later I'm lying in bed, tossing and turning as I try to get to sleep. It's always like this, every Saturday night… she's been going out for months, and still I don't sleep.

For some reason, however, tonight is worse than ever before, and I finally give up and venture out to the kitchen for a warm glass of soymilk. The digital clock in the kitchen reads five minutes past two as I reach into the mini-fridge, pushing past containers of half-eaten takeout and a box with one slice of pizza left in it from tonight's dinner.

I peek into the box as I pull out the soymilk, wincing a bit. Some poor animal has been slaughtered and used to feed one of my roommates, minus this one piece that was overlooked. I shove the box aside, disgust welling up in my chest, and shut the fridge door before I start to feel any sicker.

After pouring some of the milk into a saucepan on the stove, I lean against the counter and stare out the large windows of the tower at the sleeping city. I do this often, especially when she's out; I wonder what she's doing, if she's indeed so 'having fun' as Starfire wishes.

_Waiting for the moon to come and light me up inside_

_And I am here waiting for the telephone to tell me I'm alive_

To most people, Raven seems about as fun-loving as a wet sponge; but then again, most people don't know her. If they could of only seen her when she first joined the titans, when we all first started fighting together, they would see how far she's come.

I remember this one time, right after one of our very first fights, we were swarmed by a team of reporters at the pizza parlor. Raven was the only one willing to speak her mind, saying things like 'we do not appreciate being your little side-show freaks' and 'leave us in peace or I shall MAKE you leave'.

The tabloids and papers slammed her for weeks after that, and even though she would never admit it, we could all tell that their mean words didn't exactly help her already-low self esteem. Things had died down eventually, but I think that she's still hurt by some of the things they say about her, even now.

The sound of boiling milk next to me pulls me away from my trip down memory lane and I grab the pan, pouring my milk into a glass and plopping down onto the couch. I dig the remote out of its usual home between the cushions and turn the TV on. The discovery channel pops up and I groan, starting to flip through the available programs.

After passing over the same show three times, all on different stations, it becomes clear that nothing is going to be on that as worth watching. I set the channel back to Discovery for Star before turning it off completely, taking a moment to bask in the silence and drink my milk.

"I can understand where Raven likes the silence… it's so loud around here that I can barely hear myself think most of the time… when I'm not making most of the noise, that is…" I whisper to no one in particular, running a finger along the rim of my glass.

My roommates assume that because I'm always loud and annoying that I either don't have a brain or fail to use it; this is not true. We five are both gifted and cursed with the powers we have, and we all deal with them in different ways. I chose to make a joke out of life so things don't seem so bleak, just as Starfire always sees the bright side of things in life. Robin and Raven both allow their angst to drive their lives, while Cyborg is a comfortable mix of all of us.

Pretending to be stupid, just as Raven pretends to be emotionless, is just a front I put up to protect myself.

I look down at my milk, and realized that I've drank it all without realizing it. I stand up and put the glass on the table, morphing into a cat to stretch the stiffness out of my limbs before I return to human form and head to the kitchen for more milk.

A soft beep, undetectable by anyone else in the tower but me, catches my ears. Someone is keying in their code at the front door. I look at the clock again, my quiet musings having taken longer than I expects; it's already forty-two minutes into three am.

I return to getting my soymilk, attempting to make it look as innocent as I can as she enters the main room, that same book tucked beneath her arm and her hood down to reveal her face. She pauses as she spots me and I give her a wave of welcome, pouring more soymilk into the saucepan.

"You're up early," she tells me, moving towards the stairs.

"You're home late," I counter, biting back on a smile as she stops walking and turns to glare at me.

"I don't see how that's any of your business…" she replies, one hand on her hip. I chuckle a bit and put my milk away in the fridge, returning my gaze to her.

"It's not any of my business, but then again, it's not any of YOUR business why I'M up…" I remind her, crossing my arms across my chest. She stares at me for a moment, as if in shock, and then a faint smile crosses her face.

"Who are you, and what have you done with Beast Boy?"

I laugh at her response and rub the back of my head, sticking a finger into my milk to test the temperature before picking up the pan and starting to pour my beverage into a cup.

"Hey! Just because I don't use my brain much doesn't mean I don't have one!" I exclaim. She doesn't give me an answer, and after a moment I glance up at her, "How did your date with Goth go?"

It surprises me when she doesn't turn away, or narrow her eyes, or do any of the things she usually does when I mention his name. Instead she glances to the floor, clutching the book against her chest.

"We… broke up…" I hear her voice catch and take a step towards her, reaching a hand out to set it on her shoulder.

"Raven…" I whisper, at a loss for anything else to say. Just as suddenly at that emotion appears it disappears and she pulls away, moving around me to the kitchen. Her book is deposited on the table and she fills her kettle with water, placing a teabag in a cup as she sets the water on to boil.

"I don't know why I dated him as long as I did, to be perfectly honest; all he ever spoke about was show tunes and how the rest of the world is so clueless as to the sufferings of others…"

"But did he mean something to you?"

"He meant enough to me that I shared something with him… something I can never get back…" My eyes widen at her confession and I turn to stare at her, my milk left abandoned for a moment on the table.

_Well I heard you let somebody get their fingers into you_

_It's getting cold in California_

_I guess I'll be leaving soon_

"Wow… Raven… I'm sorry…" I whisper, truly at a loss for what to say to console her. She shrugs and moves to stand at my side, picking up her tea kettle as it starts to whistle and pouring the steaming liquid into her cup.

"It's not a problem; remember, no matter how much the past hurts, we cannot change it. It is a part of my life, for better or for worse."

How does she do it? How does she just move on when something so vital to her has been taken away? If I were to ever find myself in that position, I don't think I could stand it…

"I thought I loved him, you know…"

Her voice is so quiet that for a moment I could swear I've imagined it. I turn to glance at her as she brings the cup of tea to her lips, taking a soft sip of it.

"Raven…"

Why is her name the only thing I can say? I'm not exactly the best at comforting, but even humor won't kick in at this point. It's like she's stolen my words, taken away my ability to say anything at all.

She moves to the window without a word and I join her, watching as the stars start to fade and the daylight first shows itself, turning the horizon from pitch black to midnight blue. A light coating of frost forms on the window where we are standing, results of our gentle breathing.

_Daylight fading_

_Come and waste another year_

For several minutes we stand in silence and I resist the urge to look over at her, to pry into her privacy in search of the answers to the questions burning in the back of my throat. Cyborg is always telling me to leave her alone, and for once I want to do just that; leave her be to disclose information at her own free will. But damn my curiosity…

The ability to use words comes back as the silence grows longer and I clear my throat, keeping my stare directed out the window as I speak.

"So… how long ago did you... you know…"

"… tonight. He broke up with me right after it happened. He said I 'wasn't good enough in bed to bother with dating anymore'. That's why I was out so late."

… OUCH.

My fist clenches at my side and I glance over at her, seeing for the first time the red, glossy look of her eyes. She's been crying, most likely before she came home.

If I ever see Goth again, be it on the street or at a club, nothing will stop me from beating some karma into his scrawny little body. Raven and I have been teammates for over a year now, and I don't think I've ever seen even a hint of emotion from her. To know that this jerk made her cry, took something from her and then tossed her aside, infuriates me.

"Raven… I'm sorry. I don't know what else I can say for you other than that. We're all here for you, if you ever need to talk…"

"I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. It's none of your business anyway, and I don't want to pull you into it."

"I'm your friend Raven; I want you to come to me if you ever need to talk. I might not be the best at conversations, but I'm here to listen when you need me. We're all here to listen, for that matter…"

_All the anger and the eloquence are bleeding into fear_

_Moonlight creeping around the corners of our lawn_

She glances over at me then, the cup of tea still cradled in her hands. As I watch, a single tear slides down her cheek, the last of the moonlight catching her face and causing it to glow with a heavenly radiance. I reach up and brushed the tear away, shocking the both of us, and smile at her.

"We're all here Raven, for better or for worse; after all, we're a family now. We have to help each other."

She stares at me again, a look that can only be described as confusion plastered across her face. Then a soft, barely audible smile slips over her lips, and she turns back to stare at the city once more. I direct my own gaze out the window as well, sipping slowly at my lukewarm beverage.

We head to our separate rooms at ten minutes to six am, just as the stars finally start to fade and the rising sun splashes the sky with a rainbow of color. We don't say a single word to each other between her smile and the point when sleep calls to us, but as I am entering my room, I hear her say my name, my REAL name, just as softly as if it had been just a puff of breath.

"Garfield?"

I turn to look at her, eyes drooping with exhaustion.

"Hmm?"

"… thank you…"

She doesn't wait for my response, disappearing around the corner to her own room before I can say anything. I stand staring at the spot where she had been, a tired smile touching my face.

"You're welcome," I reply, knowing she doesn't hear me. Then I slip into my own room, the door sliding shut behind me. I curl up on my bed and close my eyes, wrapping my arms around my pillow.

_When we see the early signs that daylight's fading_

_We leave just before it's gone_

And for the first time in what feels like forever, I sleep.


	2. Part 02

See part 01 for disclaimer and pre-story notes

Part 02 – Raven's POV

He's been sitting out there for three days now… not a single thing that anyone has said to him has eased the pain in his heart.

I know I shouldn't worry; after all, he's much stronger than we all give him credit for, and I know in the end he'll pull through this.

… so why does it hurt me to watch him suffer like this?

Emotion is a vast, open sea, and I am the sailor in a yellow raft struggling not to capsize. Everything I do has to be balanced, has to be so controlled so as not to throw me helplessly into the waves. Meditation is my paddle, allowing me what little power it can.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm feeling things for him I shouldn't, things I didn't know I could feel for another teammate. My ocean becomes violent and hazardous around him, like a storm has moved in with every intention of destroying me.

Perhaps it is even more surprising that I am willing to admit these feelings; after all, I'm not one to readily admit a new emotion, and I'm even less likely to explore it…

…but for some reason, I want to know more; I want to identify this strange feeling in my stomach when I see him, this jump of my heart when he smiles at me. I want to examine everything, understand it so I know where to go from here.

"Raven?"

The soft female voice behind me pulls me away from my musings and I glance over at Starfire, turning my attention back to the window a moment later.

"Yes?"

"Might I join you in meditation? Or do you wish to be alone?"

I contemplate my answer for a few moments, taking into consideration the level of my patience today. Finally I sigh and hover a few feet to the left, giving her room to float next to me. She does so gladly, curling her legs up under her and bobbing up and down slowly at my side.

"Friend Raven, are you alright? You have been sitting here since before the sun came up; is something troubling you?"

"Just watching Beast Boy is all…" I reply, motioning with a gaze out the window to the green changeling sitting at the shore.

"I do not understand… if you are concerned for Beast Boy's well-being, why do you not go to his side?"

Her voice is grating on my nerves more than usual today, but I bite my tongue to keep from snapping at her; after all, she is only trying to help, and my bad mood is not her fault.

"I'm giving him space, Starfire… it's obvious that when he wants someone to talk to, he'll come to us; until then, he just needs time to grieve alone."

"We have all attempted to speak to him; all of us but you. Robin and I, we were thinking… perhaps, if YOU tried --"

"No. He needs time and space to work things out, and I'm going to give it to him."

"But you have both been sitting up since --"

"Starfire!" I snap, my patience finally reaching its breaking point. She jumps back and drifts down to the floor, looking down at her hands.

"Raven…"

"Look, Star… I'm sorry. I'm just tired and need some time alone to meditate. If I need a friend, I'll come to you… alright?" I truly feel bad for snapping at her, but exhaustion is starting to set in and I'm not in the mood for her constant (if endearing) nagging.

She nods slowly, some of the hurt and confusion fading from her face as she stands up and stares at me. For a moment it looks as though she wants to say something more, but then she simply turns away and heads for her room without another word to me.

I pay her retreating back only a moment's attention before I return my gaze to the window, staring out into the falling rain at the small green figure huddled in a ball against the rocks.

He hasn't slept in days; I know he hasn't, because I hear his crying through the wall that separates our rooms.

I hear him because I haven't been sleeping either, even after the sobbing subsides and the silence returns to the night.

And until I know that he's alright, until he sleeps through the night without waking up to cry over HER… I won't sleep.

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Two more days of watching him suffer by sunlight and hearing him weep by moonlight finally breaks my resolve and I journey out into the rain on the fifth day, giving him an hour of privacy before I approach him. I stand several feet away from him and observe in silence, waiting for an acknowledgement that I've joined him.

"What do you want?" When he finally does question my existence, his voice is weak and broken, a slight shift in the howling wind.

It makes my heart ache.

"You've been out here for days; come in before you get sick."

"What do you care?" His tone is not accusing or hateful, just resigned, "what does it matter anyway? She's gone. She's gone and she's never coming back…"

"She was a traitor… she's stabbed us all in the back, and did so with no remorse…"

"You don't know what you're talking about Raven! Terra's not a bad person! She made a mistake, so what?! We ALL make mistakes!" His voice is hoarse, but whether it's from a lack of use or an on-coming cold, I can't tell.

"She ATTACKED us, Beast Boy. She gave Slade all our personal secrets, let his armed guards into our home with the intention of having us killed, and ruthlessly betrayed you; how can you still defend her?!"

"MAYBE I LOVED HER, RAVEN! DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK ABOUT THAT?!"

His words cut into me so deeply that I wince outright, eternally thankful that he is not looking at me as he speaks.

"I… I know, Beast Boy; I know you loved her, and maybe you still do… but if she ever cared for you, then she wouldn't want you to suffer like this…" I whisper, moving tentatively to sit at his side.

"I wish that I was dead, Raven… I really, truly do…"

_She said "everybody loves you"_

_She says "everybody cares"_

_But all the things I keep inside myself_

_They vanish in the air_

His tone is so weak, so lost and confused; he's lost all the energy of his outburst and now sits in a curled up ball, his face down against his knees and muffled by his pants.

"Garfield… please don't say that. We all care about you, we do… you're an important part of this team, and you're our friend."

"I can't do it again, Raven… I gave Terra everything I could; my friendship, my heart… and she threw it all away over one misunderstanding. What if it happens again? What if one of you guys leaves next? I don't think I could deal with it."

His fear is not an invalid one; after Goth and I broke it off, that same terrifying thought had haunted my every moment, awake or asleep. What if it happened again? What if it was one of my friends this time, who suddenly decided that I wasn't good enough and wanted me gone? His contemplations are different; rather than being cast away as I felt I would be, one of us would be the one to take the initiative to just get up and walk out.

"No one's going to go away, Beast Boy… do you remember when Goth broke up with me? Do you remember when you found me… found me crying?" This subject was hard for me to go into, as he had caught me off-guard by actually discovering my hiding place and realizing that I had been weeping.

After a moment of silence he nods and glances up at me, his eyes red and bloodshot from a mix of crying and lack of sleep. I'm sure my own eyes, drooping with several days and nights deprived of sleep, do not look any better.

"Yeah, I do…" he whispers to me, uncurling slightly from his protective position. "You were in the front seat of Cyborg's car, listening to that CD…"

"Evanescence…" I correct softly, drawing my own legs against my chest and wrapping my arms around them to keep warm against the bitter cold. How had he managed to sit out here for the last several days without freezing to death? "I was so scared… so scared that I wasn't going to be good enough anymore, like somehow Goth was just the beginning… do you remember what you told me, when you finally pried answers out of me?"

"Of course I do; I told you that we weren't going to make you leave like that, and I meant it. Raven, we're all a family… we all love you. No one's going to make you go away."

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, Beast Boy; just because Terra walked out and joined Slade doesn't mean we're all going to do the same. You can't allow one bad experience to mess everything up for you. Sometimes, you just have to keep faith and put one foot in front of the other, no matter how clouded the road is. If you lose your footing, we are all here to help you up and keep you moving; but we can't help you if you can't help yourself."

Wow… I can't remember having said that much to him (well, to ANYONE) in one setting. He stares at me after I'm done talking, a small spark of his old spirit starting to form in his eyes.

_If you tell me that you'll wait for me_

_I'll say I won't be here_

_I want to say goodbye to you_

_Goodbye to all my friends_

_Goodbye to everyone I know_

Then, just as quickly as the sparks appears, it dies. He sighs and looks back out towards the ocean, resting his chin on his knees.

"Terra and I didn't share something like you and Goth did… but we were close. I felt like she was the only one who understood me sometimes. Maybe I need to go away for awhile… get some of these thoughts out of my head; besides, my moping around isn't helping the team, and I don't want to be a burden…"

For some reason, the thought of him leaving sends a cold shudder of terror through my body. I resist the urge to grab him and hold him as I turn my attention on him fully.

"No! Beast Boy, it's alright! We'll wait as long as we have to; forever, if that's what it takes. You said it best, we're a family; we have to stick together, no matter what."

"It hurts to be here Raven… it hurts to be around this place, to sit at the shore knowing I did all this with her… everything reminds me of Terra…"

"I know it'll be hard at first… but you'll heal in time, and things won't always look so bleak…"

Can he hear the desperation in my tone? It can be heard loud and clear by my own ears, but is he so broken that he can't pick up on it?

"I don't want to be here anymore, Raven… I just don't want to hurt anymore…"

I open my mouth to speak, to say something… ANYTHING… to ease this pain in his heart. But nothing comes, as playing the role of a comforter is not something I'm used to. Instead I reach out, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Garfield…"

He springs away from me as if I've slapped him, getting to his feet much faster than he should be able to considering that he's been practically immobile for days now.

"Don't touch me!" he screams, his voice high and sharp, "don't you touch me! You're just like her! You'll get close to me and touch me and tell me you love me, and then you'll leave too!"

His voice has cracked by the time he compares me to Terra, and at the end of his sentence his words trail off into choked sobs. I stare at him in horrified silence, for a moment my senses too numbed by his words to react. Then, something inside me snaps and I get to my feet as well, fire burning in my eyes.

"How dare you?! How can you assume that you are the only one that suffers?! She was my friend too, Beast Boy! I cared for her just as much as you did, even if it wasn't in the same way! We are ALL hurting because of her!"

He looks up at me, his sobs quieting for the moment. Wait a minute… if his weeping has calmed… then who can I hear crying?

"Raven…"

… no…

"Raven, you're…."

I come to the startling realization that it is my own ragged breathing I can hear, that my chest is heaving up and down heavily as a result of the tears streaming down my own face. I'm… I'm crying…

"Garfield…" I choke, gulping back on a sob and wincing at the pain it brings to my throat, "please… we've lost so much… I've lost Goth, you've lost Terra… let's not lose each other too… no more loss…"

He pauses for a moment, and then steps forward to embrace me in a hug, his sobs starting anew.

"… no more loss…" he agrees softly, gripping me as if I have become a lifeline amongst a raging ocean; the last hope for survival. I close my eyes and clutch him back, burying my face against his hair and fighting the tears.

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Night has long since fallen before we finally make the journey inside, thankful that our roommates – our family – have already retired to bed for the night. We make the journey down the hallway to the sleeping quarters in silence, and it is only when we reach his room that words are exchanged once more.

"Will you be alright?" I whisper, looking over his exhausted face. He smiles weakly and nods, the door to his room sliding open.

"Will you?"

"I think I'll manage."

There is another moment of silence, more reflective than awkward, and then he disappears into his room and the door slides shut behind him. I make my way to my own room, abandoning my cloak and shoes on the floor and sliding smoothly between the sheets, straining my ears in the silence for the usual sounds of his sobs. Only the chirping of crickets reaches my senses and I relax into the pillow, fighting off the exhaustion until his snoring seeps through the walls. It is only then, knowing that he is sleeping, that I give in and slip into the deep, dreamless chasm of slumber.

_Daylight fading_

_Come and waste another year_

_All the anger and the eloquence are bleeding into fear_

_Moonlight creeping around the corners of our lawn_

_When we see the early signs that daylight's fading_

_We leave just before it's gone_

And when I awake the next morning, my body and mind refreshed after the long days of worrying, waiting and grieving, the storm has broke and the sun is shinning down upon Jump City.

END

Merry Christmas 2004 everyone!


End file.
